don't mind me..
i just wanna curl up into a ball and..

i have been feeling so down this week for all sorts of reasons
i don't even know where to start.

i called my mom this afternoon, because i received a missed call from an unknown number.
i thought it was her.
then dad picked up.
he told me to skype him.
so i did.

the usual drill
uni, etc..

then i just broke down

i spoke about how the concept for my interactive assignment got rejected 3x in a row
and just suddenly blurting out about how shit i am in real life
that i can't do anything right
i have achieved nothing
and i am the useless, dumbest, ever person in the world ever alive.

which is..
what i feel
i mean, out of all these years
what have i actually achieved?

and as some may have thought..
asian fathers.
they can only make things worse

he just shot everything back at me.
i know it already.

it's not like i didn't ask for help when i'm stuck.
it's not like i treat people with no respect.
it's not like.. i am that hated

or am i?
i have nfi

but i literally did broke down so bad and i don't know why
i wasn't angry at all about him for saying the wrong things
like i usually do
our opinions differ
and we often argue with each other anyway

he then asked if i would be going back home this holidays
and i said no
i want to try find a job and i have to do a summer unit

then i told him about the (possibly) unpaid job that i might get
and that yea... unpaid job = more expenses
it's a design job

i really don't mind it
but it's got something to do with cosplay

my fukkin' gawd

i know i will be designing, but-
i don't think
he will like it.

and ya... we argued more 9_9

then mom came over to talk to me instead

we did talked for a while
and as usual.. cranky me
went round and round..

to cut it short,
she told me to stop being so pessimistic
and continue fighting for my own future
and also
to continue working hard for what i enjoy

it seemed like she's the only one who somewhat understands how difficult it is sometimes..

some people tell you you can't do this and that..
when you're trying to set more goals for yourself so that you can be better

they tell you life sucks
when you are trying to love and accept what you have today no matter how difficult it is

they say they hate life
when you're trying hard to make the best out of everything..

later, at night..
my old buddy msn'ed me

instead of telling her i'll ttyl need to study for an exam tomorrow (which i haven't started)
i just told her the same things i told my parents

and how i'm starting to doubt myself doing this course.
FYI, i was studying business before i transferred over.
i really hated it, nor do i have any idea wtf i was studying about
the course i'm studying now
i really like it alot
but it's got a bit of programming - which is not my forte.
especially for me, a science student in school + a total nerd + addicted to art and music

it's like i just kept shooting her my thoughts about this and that
and i bet she starts to get the picture about how much i despise myself xD"

lol for self-complexity issues

i mean..
when i look at my dA

there really is nothing to it
i'm just like those trolling fanartists and cosplayers..
that's what i see

i'm sick of it

my art looks like vomit on paper
my cg is poo on the screen
my cosplay outfits are full of flaws
although i have carefully and perfectly patterned them
despite how anal i was in terms of accuracy

she told me that she
is also struggling with her course

((we are doing the same course but in different countries))

she has had shit tutors
but awesome classmates who help each other out along with herself too
and they usually learn things on their own..

then she continued talking me into taking things positively
said something along the lines of

".. maybe, are they trying to bring you down?
afraid that you will overtake them again?
just ignore them.
and just continue working hard..
you know."

there are manymanymany things that i want to do
and of course i know
i cannot complete them at the same time
and that i must take things slowly
and that i don't have the ability yet to pull something that is off my calibre and etc..

but there's such thing as

if i don't have time after i've completed my main objective,
then i won't work on the other
simple as that

i guess

i have to be stronger and be more focussed
and not let other's words influence me what i can or cannot do
otherwise, i will not be able to continue achieving and setting goals
for myself so that
i can be better...?

thank you mom
thank you Lienn

[2010/11/18 00:25 ] | Category: None | Comments(3) | Trackbacks(1) | page top
SGK make-up round#2

made a few changes :D
i think i'm getting the look i want now~ ♪

if you wonder about the sudden white wig at the corner, it's because i was supposed to let Lisa have a look at it last week for her Zero cosplay.. but i forgot to bring. so @Lisa, there you go :D


once i'm free from uni
i shall hunt for:

yellow eye shadow/tint
false lashes + eye lash glue
white eyeliner

meanwhile, i should try to eat healthily, do my work and not procrastinate and/then stress too much so that my skin will get better ;__;
and of course lose weight too..

*damn you uni*

@ everyone:
i still haven't figured out how to reply to comments DDX
can someone teach me?? ;A;
[2010/11/08 18:03 ] | Category: None | Comments(2) | Trackbacks(1) | page top
i am posting this because..
i'm procrastinating on my exam tmr..
and working on the textures for the prototype of my game (assignment)

and i want to scare people :D

make-up test: SETSUGETSUKA
after spending an hour trying to fix 3 pairs of lashes on my teeney-weeny asian eyes
(because michellephan could do it in her gaga goggly-eye make-up tutorial)
i decided..
i should give it up and get my ass to buy an over9000x more volumous pair of fake lashes :D

may i say that i do make an OK Kaito?? 8D
[2010/11/03 00:46 ] | Category: None | Comments(5) | Trackbacks(0) | page top
i haven't even wrote anything about my ff13 shoot lol!

i cosplayed Len.. again DD8
i think i'm starting to bore people but.. i've made some changes to this cosplay ;A;
"new" wig, new contacts, new make-up style, new headphones and I HAS A RIN!!
and i'm getting better at pulling off this shotabait..

I went with fujiko as my twin, Kagamine Rin <3, Lisa as Kaito, Hitomi as moeMeiko, Orenjimaru as Rin from Togainu no Chi, Claire as Haruhi Suzumiya anddddd....... (the SURPRISE of the day)Vanessa as HATSUNE MIKUUU~~~

i don't know what made you want to cosplay Miku but i really really thank you for enduring the socks, skirt, 10kg wig, make-up, fake lashes and BRA.
demotivational poster made by Ring

no group pic oTL
we forgot pirikura...

*shoots self*

eventually, after so many things.. i got to cosplay the Kagamine twins with my original partner <3
but we swapped roles.. 8D
i was supposed to do Rin and fujiko was supposed to do Len, but i guess this works better because she's so LOLI..

but this works fine too..

as part of my journal regime...


it's up to you to think what they are... 8D"
*can't be bothered writing captions*





we had sooooo much fun despite arriving late to the meet ( =A=)
i swear arriving late at events are becoming our forte now..
that's why i didn't get a chance to say hi to many people..


i shld go and finish my video editing b/c it's due in 2 hrs' time..



i'm already looking forward to the next meets and photoshoots .___.
i demand them now!

*shoots assignments and uni work*

photo by Jeffrey
[2010/10/25 17:53 ] | Category: None | Comments(1) | Trackbacks(0) | page top
hope cos re-make progresd
Yep.. Working on thr scarf now.. Tassel by tassel at 14pcs/hr..


Yay for blueberry cheesecake pretz~

At this rate.. Im gonna die even if i dont make the boomerang.
[2010/09/08 20:04 ] | Category: None | Comments(0) | Trackbacks(0) | page top
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