don't mind me..
i just wanna curl up into a ball and..

i have been feeling so down this week for all sorts of reasons
i don't even know where to start.

i called my mom this afternoon, because i received a missed call from an unknown number.
i thought it was her.
then dad picked up.
he told me to skype him.
so i did.

the usual drill
uni, etc..

then i just broke down

i spoke about how the concept for my interactive assignment got rejected 3x in a row
and just suddenly blurting out about how shit i am in real life
that i can't do anything right
i have achieved nothing
and i am the useless, dumbest, ever person in the world ever alive.

which is..
what i feel
i mean, out of all these years
what have i actually achieved?

and as some may have thought..
asian fathers.
they can only make things worse

he just shot everything back at me.
i know it already.

it's not like i didn't ask for help when i'm stuck.
it's not like i treat people with no respect.
it's not like.. i am that hated

or am i?
i have nfi

but i literally did broke down so bad and i don't know why
i wasn't angry at all about him for saying the wrong things
like i usually do
our opinions differ
and we often argue with each other anyway

he then asked if i would be going back home this holidays
and i said no
i want to try find a job and i have to do a summer unit

then i told him about the (possibly) unpaid job that i might get
and that yea... unpaid job = more expenses
it's a design job

i really don't mind it
but it's got something to do with cosplay

my fukkin' gawd

i know i will be designing, but-
i don't think
he will like it.

and ya... we argued more 9_9

then mom came over to talk to me instead

we did talked for a while
and as usual.. cranky me
went round and round..

to cut it short,
she told me to stop being so pessimistic
and continue fighting for my own future
and also
to continue working hard for what i enjoy

it seemed like she's the only one who somewhat understands how difficult it is sometimes..

some people tell you you can't do this and that..
when you're trying to set more goals for yourself so that you can be better

they tell you life sucks
when you are trying to love and accept what you have today no matter how difficult it is

they say they hate life
when you're trying hard to make the best out of everything..

later, at night..
my old buddy msn'ed me

instead of telling her i'll ttyl need to study for an exam tomorrow (which i haven't started)
i just told her the same things i told my parents

and how i'm starting to doubt myself doing this course.
FYI, i was studying business before i transferred over.
i really hated it, nor do i have any idea wtf i was studying about
the course i'm studying now
i really like it alot
but it's got a bit of programming - which is not my forte.
especially for me, a science student in school + a total nerd + addicted to art and music

it's like i just kept shooting her my thoughts about this and that
and i bet she starts to get the picture about how much i despise myself xD"

lol for self-complexity issues

i mean..
when i look at my dA

there really is nothing to it
i'm just like those trolling fanartists and cosplayers..
that's what i see

i'm sick of it

my art looks like vomit on paper
my cg is poo on the screen
my cosplay outfits are full of flaws
although i have carefully and perfectly patterned them
despite how anal i was in terms of accuracy

she told me that she
is also struggling with her course

((we are doing the same course but in different countries))

she has had shit tutors
but awesome classmates who help each other out along with herself too
and they usually learn things on their own..

then she continued talking me into taking things positively
said something along the lines of

".. maybe, are they trying to bring you down?
afraid that you will overtake them again?
just ignore them.
and just continue working hard..
you know."

there are manymanymany things that i want to do
and of course i know
i cannot complete them at the same time
and that i must take things slowly
and that i don't have the ability yet to pull something that is off my calibre and etc..

but there's such thing as

if i don't have time after i've completed my main objective,
then i won't work on the other
simple as that

i guess

i have to be stronger and be more focussed
and not let other's words influence me what i can or cannot do
otherwise, i will not be able to continue achieving and setting goals
for myself so that
i can be better...?

thank you mom
thank you Lienn

[2010/11/18 00:25 ] | Category: None | Comments(3) | Trackbacks(1) | page top
| HOME | SGK make-up round#2>>
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[2010/11/18 11:43] | | # [ Edit ] | page top
I don't know what I can say to make you feel better but just know that you have lots of friends andpeople that believe in you! Keep trying and don't give up! You can do it Mel!!

[2010/11/18 14:29] | URL | Fujiko #- [ Edit ] | page top
You're almost there~! Holidays are coming soon where we can finally start working on the stuffs we love~!! If you want to do more photoshoots Im totally up to help~ lDb
But yes, you must keep trying because this is what you fought hard to get into in the first place! And everyone here believes you have the talent to do it too~
Ganbatte kudasai~
[2010/11/19 21:12] | URL | BC #8QhYuck. [ Edit ] | page top
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